The mind is a funny thing, some things are out of our control, some things that we think are within our control are initiated in the brain before conscious decisions have actually been made.

I sometimes wonder why some things are the way they are, why I like something, but of course it’s just impossible to know, might as well wonder why I don’t like curry, or Lily Allen.

I was far more versatile in the past, I’ve certainly had my dominant moments, I’m perfectly aware that I could be quite sadistic and I’m not sure that I like that. I don’t believe in horoscopes, even if I’m something of a typical scorpio. I think I probably associate the sadistic side of me with the anger, unhappiness and emptiness of depression, something that needs to be contained lest it damage me and those I care about. Would letting that out be a very bad idea.

Several times over the last couple of months there have been suggestions that I’d make a good Dom, that I should try to see how I felt. Fairly recently I was offered the chance to be coached in how to fist, and I considered the offer very carefully and agreed, but the man concerned messed me around and I cancelled. Now I have been asked if I would consider topping along with another top, the question coming from the other top himself and given that I have generally been sub to that top I am quite excited by the idea, with some reservations. I know that it’s highly likely that I will follow his lead and do it, a little concerned about seeing someone else subbing to him when I want to do that too. I have been open and honest about that.

My desires and needs have primarily become to be a sub, and ever since meeting with a Master in Berlin in early 2016 that feeling has only grown stronger, although of course I need an appropriate Dom to exercise that with, someone who I feel is worth it, someone who knows how to tap into my submission. Right inside my head I enjoy them taking control, I like it a lot, it’s a completely emotional need. My deepest and darkest fantasies all lie here.

Most recently I have been seeking out Doms to try arse play, with a view to trying FF, but I know it’s also about seeking out those men. I did a very low level of chems with one man, it’s something I’m aware that I cannot talk about with most people, and it’s something I will not make a habit of, literally. There’s also no point in disapproving, because it’s done.

The Doms I have met and connect well with have different likes themselves, of course. One wants to put me in chastity, and we have played a few times like that, but without some level of ongoing commitment I’m not going to do that, I’m not giving that up, I’m not going to restrict my ability to play with other men.

Another man I have met a few times does not want to put limits on me, mainly as the distance means that I can only see him a few times a year, but he does want to lead me, and to get me to live in the moment, which is exciting, we have some things in common, but not others. The experimentation is a lot of fun, I know there is more to come.

Another man I have seen in person but have not actually met, yet, although that will change very soon. We have a lot in common and there is definitely an attraction. The distance makes things difficult, but I really want to see how we get on and what happens. I’m looking forward to this, a lot. There is already a friendship there, which I enjoy and need.

Que sera, sera etc.