It’s been six months now, I have been out of the house/garden only a handful of times.

My partner is shielding and to protect him I must do so as well, I’m anxious about going out now and have had to make do as best I can, but I can see all of the signs of depression, even though I am on medication. There’s very little of interest in my life just now, and I’m sleeping too much. I did that for years, and then after I was put on medication I found myself unable to do so, I can only think that the medication is protecting me from worse, I know that it is still working. I am back to occasionally self medicating.

A few weeks ago I asked and was allowed to go to meet a playmate in Edinburgh for the night, because he had been shielding too, and quite frankly it was amazing. With both of our unique circumstances we may be able to meet again in November. I didn’t buy and read the book on how to be an ethical slut for this, can I have a refund?

After a fairly long wait for cardiac treatment, an appointment was arranged for my partner for late March, then Covid-19 stopped everything, understandably, and this week we learnt that the procedure will now take place on the 25th September. It’s a worry, there’s always a risk, and as it’s an exploratory procedure there are a number of things that could happen, and there will be necessary recovery time, but one way or another we will know more.

I miss everything, it’s like life has been paused, I had lots of fun things planned for this year, in fact I should be in Berlin right now, but I cannot do anything. I miss my trips to Manchester enormously. My mental health is is tatters. I know I’ve worried a couple of friends recently and I am very sincerely sorry for that, I am absolutely not going to do anything to physically harm myself. I have however done a very good job of retreating into my shell and pissing off some people that I am close to by just talking too much, and others have been left in glorious peace and are blissfully unaware.

I am lost and lonely, I know I have a home and a partner and family, but there are other needs which have been almost completely abandoned and I find myself analysing why I feel unwanted. I can put on a good show online for others, but I am a wreck.

I know I’m not alone, some people are carrying on with daily life with gay abandon, but I know that a great many of us are somewhere in between, in limbo. It’s all very well wanting things when you quite simply can’t have them.

Feel free to read this in a whining tone, or sing it along to a hearty sea shanty, I needed to get the words out of my head, there are even darker in my head, but these ones are what’s needed right now.

Don’t worry unnecessarily, but I think I need some assistance, socially? Sexually? I dunno what the question should be.

One thought on “Limbo

  1. Your need a good fucking. That is where my flippancy ceases. You have all the right things around you, as do we. It ain’t easy but we have to run the course. I expect you could write a book on being an ethical slut. My partner is 71 with controlled heart issues and feels he has lost a year of his life.

    Liked by 1 person

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