Proud

This weekend was my first ever Manchester pride and I don’t think it will be the last, it was just so great.

I ate out with friends, I marched with friends, I drank with friends, I hugged and kissed friends, and all of the time I was head to toe in leather, and with the padlock from my old collar on my waistband.

I think I might be all walked out right now, but it was worth it.

Until next year …

Scent

I’ve actually been vaguely wondering about this for a while, should have asked earlier …

How can you describe a smell to someone who has no sense of smell? I’m specifically thinking about leather, and the general awesome intoxicating smell of a man.

Withdrawal

In the past week two men I like and who’s company I enjoy very much have withdrawn entirely from social media, both essentially citing what I think amount to the same reasons, and I’m fairly sure we could all list them.

Negativity, rejection, egos, darkness, and comparing ourselves to ideals which may not even exist is real life.

I’m a little sore inside right now, it is they and people like them who are real shining lights for me, good values and actual friendship.

The thing is I can relate completely, I’ve done this myself, I’ve withdrawn completely, I’ve retreated into myself and if anything it fuelled the darkness even more, albeit without actually breaking yet more friendships. All I can do is tell them and give them time.

Pride

Today was pride in Glasgow, and I’ve had such a great day, home now and happy.

Left home in leathers and boots this morning, with my husband to meet my best friend in the City Centre for coffee, another good friend had decided to come north in leathers for the day, much appreciated company.

We all arrived at the same time and had coffee, then we went to stand at the Gallery of Modern Art to watch the pride march itself. The march was huge, it took over an hour to pass by, and the atmosphere was really great. Met a few friends who were taking part in the march itself, and for the first time there were a couple of leathermen in the march itself, rather than on the sidelines.

We went for lunch in my favourite Italian restaurant, with our favourite waiters, and then afterwards went for drinks around the gay bars, ending the day at an outside table in perfect weather.

In the evening I had a really nice talk with a Dom who is important to me, which I enjoyed very much.

Just ending the day with tea, toast and Family Guy. Need to do all this again.

Boys

The mind is a funny thing, some things are out of our control, some things that we think are within our control are initiated in the brain before conscious decisions have actually been made.

I sometimes wonder why some things are the way they are, why I like something, but of course it’s just impossible to know, might as well wonder why I don’t like curry, or Lily Allen.

I was far more versatile in the past, I’ve certainly had my dominant moments, I’m perfectly aware that I could be quite sadistic and I’m not sure that I like that. I don’t believe in horoscopes, even if I’m something of a typical scorpio. I think I probably associate the sadistic side of me with the anger, unhappiness and emptiness of depression, something that needs to be contained lest it damage me and those I care about. Would letting that out be a very bad idea.

Several times over the last couple of months there have been suggestions that I’d make a good Dom, that I should try to see how I felt. Fairly recently I was offered the chance to be coached in how to fist, and I considered the offer very carefully and agreed, but the man concerned messed me around and I cancelled. Now I have been asked if I would consider topping along with another top, the question coming from the other top himself and given that I have generally been sub to that top I am quite excited by the idea, with some reservations. I know that it’s highly likely that I will follow his lead and do it, a little concerned about seeing someone else subbing to him when I want to do that too. I have been open and honest about that.

My desires and needs have primarily become to be a sub, and ever since meeting with a Master in Berlin in early 2016 that feeling has only grown stronger, although of course I need an appropriate Dom to exercise that with, someone who I feel is worth it, someone who knows how to tap into my submission. Right inside my head I enjoy them taking control, I like it a lot, it’s a completely emotional need. My deepest and darkest fantasies all lie here.

Most recently I have been seeking out Doms to try arse play, with a view to trying FF, but I know it’s also about seeking out those men. I did a very low level of chems with one man, it’s something I’m aware that I cannot talk about with most people, and it’s something I will not make a habit of, literally. There’s also no point in disapproving, because it’s done.

The Doms I have met and connect well with have different likes themselves, of course. One wants to put me in chastity, and we have played a few times like that, but without some level of ongoing commitment I’m not going to do that, I’m not giving that up, I’m not going to restrict my ability to play with other men.

Another man I have met a few times does not want to put limits on me, mainly as the distance means that I can only see him a few times a year, but he does want to lead me, and to get me to live in the moment, which is exciting, we have some things in common, but not others. The experimentation is a lot of fun, I know there is more to come.

Another man I have seen in person but have not actually met, yet, although that will change very soon. We have a lot in common and there is definitely an attraction. The distance makes things difficult, but I really want to see how we get on and what happens. I’m looking forward to this, a lot. There is already a friendship there, which I enjoy and need.

Que sera, sera etc.

Depth

Today was one of those day with a totally unexpected outcome, it’s too hot, work has been busy, but today I’ve had two conversations which felt particularly enlightening.

Two men who I am undoubtedly attracted to, and I’m aware that it goes further than that, have had conversations with me which are leading me down a path I long to see, and it’s by opening up to each other and showing who we are that this is coming about. I won’t see either of them for a few weeks yet, but the sense of anticipation is palpable.

My entire weekend has been frankly incredible, full of fun and of real outgoing confidence. A man asked to have his photograph taken with me, other men told me that I looked incredible, this is not normal. I am actively trying to pay this back to others.

Shaky

It’s been a funny and varied time lately, I had a lovely holiday in Greece and then discovered that I had high blood sugar and subsequently that I am a diabetic. It was a shock, to an extent, I’ve been tired for a couple of months and I knew something was going on, but I will do what I can and I will survive. Hay fever is stalking me too, a familiar summer companion.

Last weekend I met the man who made me cry, it’s been six months, I still like him, a lot, I still fancy him, a lot. I was late, my train was cancelled, (and indeed my train home the following day was also cancelled), we went for food and then back to the hotel to get changed into leathers, I was collared, and then we went to a ‘leather’ bar. It was fun, we had fun afterwards, and in the morning. I like spending time with him, I’m aware that it’ll never be enough.

The tall boots I ordered finally arrived. I absolutely love them, although I did the thing I usually do, I didn’t open the box for an hour, head full of “what if”, then the moment came and they were out and on me and I’m delighted, they fit so well. The people who matter like them.

I’ve bought pride flags, I will be purely a spectator for the local pride parade, but I want to march with the leather men at Manchester Pride in late August, so I’ll need to break my new boots in properly.

People I like have been really hurting lately, depression is such a terrible terrible thing, I can still feel it in me, it’s there, watching, and I want them to know that I care and that whatever meagre support I can offer will always be available. I’m rarely actually depressed these days, still on medication and it works for me, I know that others are not so lucky.