Sometimes I feel a bit aimless, but that’s now three visits to Berlin where I feel like I’ve had my mind totally blown.

On Friday night I met up with the Master I have met twice before and it was as great as ever, I thought at the time that that would be the highlight of my weekend, but although it was really special there was more to come.

I have been speaking with a Berlin Dom online for a while and we had arranged to meet up and have a drink, see what happens. I met him near to Nollendorfplatz at 11pm and from that moment the conversation just flowed very easily, he was in full leathers, so was I. We went to nearby Mutschmanns where we had a drink and then he showed me around. After talking some more we moved on to New Action where again we had a drink and he showed me around.

He got me to sit, then he sat up behind me with his legs wrapped tightly around me, leaned over and said, boy you are in one of the hardest clubs in Berlin in full leathers under a spotlight and everyone can see you. There was so much kissing, I took his breath and then beer and saliva from his mouth, he licked the sweat from my face.

He asked me to go and get us beers and when I returned he was talking to a man from the south of England who he knew, before long all three of us were kissing, two at a time, three at a time, there was also a bit of nipple licking, although he remained very much in charge.

After a while we were alone again and returned to talking, drinking, kissing, intense eye contact, by 3am I was overwhelmed, my cap dripping with his spit and then his cum, he got me to take off my jacket and tie to cool down and got me water. At 3.30am we were saying goodbye, with plans to meet again at Easter. He checked that I got back to the hotel safely and that everything was okay in the morning.


It’s very probably time to move on.

I’ve made an approach to Sir to formally draw things to a close, things have changed, too complex and private to really detail here. I could analyse it, but ultimately I’m very grateful for all the things he has shown me, things I quite simply couldn’t have imagined, and he’s influenced and helped to shape my views about so much. He has actually changed my life and I’ll never forget that.

2018 has been a bit varied so far, ups and downs, January is indeed the longest month.

I’ve had my nipples and septum pierced, nipples healing fine, septum will take a while yet. Not quite sure how to explain that on Mother’s Day.

Went to the inaugural night of Scotbound in Glasgow, I knew most people there and had a little fun, well what I actually had was bruises for a week, but no real complaints. I’d certainly go again, however the next events planned will clash with my already booked visits to Manchester.

I had planned to go to the leather social in Manchester on the 3rd February but had to cancel due to illness, I’ve been unwell off and on for three weeks, although I have recovered now.


Here’s to a good 2018 for us all.

Christmas was good, ate too much, sleep pattern destroyed, as ever! I met a new friend for lunch, he’s nice, I like him, I hope we can spend some good times together in the future.

2017 is gone, it seemed like such a quick year but a lot has happened, some good, some bad. I made some really great friends, and that’s the big thing. Looking back, a lot has changed for the better. I’m a bit skint until January pay day, but I’ve mostly used it to plan ahead for some things I want to do this year, including a couple of leather events.

I’ve tried to keep my husband happy, it’s not always easy but things have been good, and stable. I’m pretty sure some things will test his resolve, not least when a new friend comes over to get changed for a bondage event in town in a couple of weeks. He’s a good friend, some of the lines might blur a little.

Kink-wise, things have been all over the place, the half way man is still around, sort of, it’s … very complicated, things have changed, he needs time to think, we all need time to think, sometimes we all think too much. I don’t know what’s going to happen, at all, I’ve already sort of mourned it, so right now I feel a bit like an observer. Often things aren’t what they seem, early on New Year’s Day I was put in a situation which triggered my fight/flight response, a combination of several things added together, I haven’t done that for quite a long time, but this time I knew exactly what I needed to do and I did it. It’s not all played out yet, this is the last interval. I’m still longing for him but I will do what I have to to protect myself, it might already be too far gone.

Back to work now after the holidays, this could be a trying year work-wise, but I think I’m just seeing it as a means to enjoy life outside of work a bit better.

As well as making friends face to face I’ve made a couple of online friends who have become really quite important, I hope that continues.

A bit of a mixed bag update, sorry (not sorry).


Do you know how bad it is not being able to tell your husband why you’re hurting? Why there’s a lump in your throat and tears in your eyes?

When a Dom does something that breaks your trust and there’s no going back, when you feel abandoned and empty because you’ve never lost a Sir before.

He met me half way, and it was appreciated, but a bombshell has been dropped and it crosses lines which I do not want to cross, and he must know that, there’s no consent and no discussion. It should have been handled better. I still care for him.

I’ll be okay, soon.

Two years

It’s been two years, give or take, since I began to actually live again. I can’t put a time or date on it, it was subtle, gradual, but it was almost certainly around this time, two years ago, when I stopped coasting along and started to meaningfully look forward again.

I’ve made friends, I knew I needed them but didn’t know where to find them, of course some of them were there all along, but others are new and interesting, and they are there. Some of them are near and some of them are far away, but they are there.

I’ve changed things at home, I don’t think I’ve destroyed them, I think I’ve made them more honest. There are things that I need now, it’s no longer a wish or a want, that genie has been well and truly set free.

I wonder what the future will bring, I’m not young anymore, I have obligations and chains that tie me in place.

I still worry, I am by my very nature this way; two men in particular have shown remarkable patience and resilience in the face of my lack of patience and resilience, excitement and longing. I try to learn from it, I do try to learn from it.

I hope that I have found something fulfilling, something robust, something to surrender to, only time will tell.

Half way

I met a leatherman on Friday night, we each traveled for about two hours in order to meet roughly half way, we both made an effort, I think that was a good start.

I met Him at the Manchester Leather Weekend, well, I say met, I saw Him, I fancied Him, I didn’t go and talk to Him; but I did see Him on Instagram a few days later and I said what I should have in Manchester.

We had been talking online for a couple of weeks and so it was really easy to talk when we met, He took control easily, not that I objected, it was exactly what I wanted. He plugged me and put me in a chastity device, then we went out for food and a drinks.

He had told me that when I entered that room that I was His until he released me the following day.

When we got back to the hotel we both got changed into full leathers and then play began. He was strict but caring, He pushed me and encouraged me, carrot and stick, there was some pain, there was a great deal of pleasure. I had a minor issue which He handled very quickly. There was no script, it was very much an episode in getting comfortable with each other, it was a good start.

When play ended we talked for a couple of hours, then I was left plugged and in chastity for the night, I wondered how easily I would sleep but in fact I had no difficulty. In the morning after some more play He allowed me to cum, afterwards we showered and went out for breakfast.

I hope there can be more. I can’t absolutely explain what I mean, but I know that I want to be pushed further, I’m apprehensive, it’s the unknown, but I want to go further, to have barriers broken down, to have limits tested and pushed.

This feels like it was a good start.

David Stein 1948-2017

Very sorry to hear of the death of the author David Stein who coined the phrase “safe, sane and consensual” in 1983.

His books on M/s relationships are a wonderful read.

My Master has a signed copy of his book ‘Ask the man who owns him’ which was the first BDSM book I bought. A very supportive friend and Master in San Francisco knew him personally.

His fiction books are quite … exciting! Full of emotion.

I sent him an email last year to thank him for his wonderful writing, he replied to say that he was pleased to hear that I had enjoyed it. A good man taken too soon.

Manchester Leather Weekend

The much anticipated leather weekend arrived, at last, I had a final nervous moment and quickly put it out of my mind to pack for the weekend ahead.

I had booked an early train to Manchester and had arranged to meet the friend I was sharing with, he had already paid me half of the cost which was very welcome. We checked in early and it gave me plenty of time to have a shower and relax a bit.

Late afternoon I got leathered up and went to register and collect my weekend wristband, there were already plenty of people I knew present and the atmosphere was good. Had a few drinks and then walked with others to the President’s Dinner at a nearby hotel. The organisers had really done a great job and they were very welcoming, we all received a glass of champagne and had our pictures taken. There was a chance to mingle and then after a short speech we had a lovely meal and got chatting to our fellow guests.

After the meal had finished we moved on to a social where I got to finally meet a very longtime close online friend, and I talked for ages with the most beautiful bearded leatherman, then we moved on to a nearby club for the Mastery event, hosted by Brew Hunter. During the next few hours I talked to quite a lot of people and watched Brew Hunter flogging a man I have seen online, it’s the first time I have ever seen anyone else being flogged, it was much harder than I have ever experienced, but it was clear that both enjoyed it and there was obvious affection involved. I had seen several Masters with their boys and although I wasn’t particularly interested in being on the floor licking boots like they were, I was jealous of what they had. I messaged Brew later online to tell him that I thought it was wonderful.

A few hours later I walked back to the hotel with a lovely chatty man from North Wales, I think we were both glad of the company.

When I got into my hotel room it was instantly clear that my roommate was snoring very heavily, it was very unexpected and I was very worried about how I was going to be able to sleep, I played around on my phone for a bit, and then the alcohol kicked in and helped me sleep.

I woke up early on the Saturday morning, the heavy snoring continued, I went back on my phone to see what was happening and got talking to a lovely younger bearded leatherman staying in a nearby hotel, he invited me over and I jumped at the chance, I got up, washed and shaved and left to meet him.

A very good time was had with a very horny man.

On my way back to my hotel for breakfast I received a text from a very good friend who hadn’t been able to make the leather weekend because his partner was very ill, his partner had died, I called him immediately, it’s so hard to know what to say, but I needed to talk to him, I very much value his friendship. The conversation turned to the snoring and he said that his Manchester hotel was still booked and that he would send me the confirmation. I called the hotel and made an excuse for not checking in the previous day and within the hour I was checked in, having picked up lunch on the way.

There weren’t any hard feelings with my roommate, he obviously understood, and we would still hangout together over the weekend.

I had a shower in my new hotel and then put some leather back on. I had a look online and saw pictures of the back of the guy who had been flogged the night before, he had some very noticeable marks. I have to admit that I was a little jealous of his experience, his connection, the marks were like a trophy.

I went to the fetish market in a nearby club and then to the LGBT foundation for a couple of the workshops. The workshops I attended were extremely good and well patronised. The first was about trust and affection in BDSM, the second was on flogging and was hosted by Brew Hunter, the third was a sort of fireside chat with a veteran of the leather scene followed by Joe King, the current Mister Leather Europe. All of the workshops were interesting and clearly demonstrated what I can only describe as good positive values.

I went off for food and met up with my roommate, then went to a social where I bumped into a lovely man who I had previously met many years before when I was a member of the gay bike club, he was in Manchester with a friend and meeting them really made my night. I went to the club night Alert! with them, leaving for my hotel at about 02:30, having connected with him online.

On Sunday morning I awoke with a hangover, I was supposed to be going on a canal cruise but really couldn’t face it, having reset my alarm several times. I arranged to meet a friend who was staying at a room along the corridor and we went to the Richmond tearooms for lunch, I was in full leathers. Afterwards we went to the Eagle for Sunday Service with La Voix, she’s extremely funny, I would thoroughly recommend catching her show if you can.

I went with a small group to get coffee and some food to soak up the afternoon drinks and then to my hotel for a shower and a rest. I dressed again and headed out to the final club night, Joe King’s meat up! Where again I met and talked to some people I knew and some others I hadn’t spoken to before, including what turned out to be a nice guy I had previously spoken to online. I left the club at about 01:00 and went to the Black Eagle for a final drink before returning to my hotel.

The leather weekend itself was essentially over, I had met and talked to some stunningly handsome leathermen, I’d met old friends and made several new ones. I only got to play once, I could have played more if I had gone to the darkrooms, but it just didn’t feel right for me then. I’m so pleased that I went, overall it was a great experience and it gave me a lot of confidence. The club president said to me that although he had said that I could hangout with them, he knew that I would find my feet and that they would hardly see me.

On the Monday morning I was up, showered, and out to meet a friend for breakfast in the hotel, he then left to catch a train and I returned to my room to pack. I got a message from another friend to say that he was in town, so I dropped my suitcase off at a left luggage place and we went for a drink, followed by a browse around town, then Clonezone and Manworx. Outside Clonezone I met the most beautiful handsome bearded leatherman who I had spoken to for ages on the Friday night, not in his leathers this time though, I know I’m not his type, but we had so much in common and he was a genuinely nice guy.

I went to the station, bought some sandwiches for lunch on the train and had another drink with my friend and then I caught a mid afternoon train home. The train was delayed by over an hour on the way, but I wasn’t bothering too much as I was still on a high, enjoying the pictures and chats online and connecting with lots of new friends so that I can keep in touch.

Late that night I could feel event related drop coming on, but just as I was about to go to bed Sir came online, He had been on holiday with His husband and they were at the airport awaiting their flight home. We talked for over an hour and it made the event drop go away almost entirely. I told Him all of my weekend stories, wished Him a good flight and told Him that I missed Him.

On the Tuesday evening I was delighted to receive requests to connect online with the two most beautiful leathermen, the guy I had met at his hotel on the Saturday morning and the guy I had last seen outside Clonezone on the Monday afternoon, a nice happy conclusion to a very memorable weekend.

Friends and the inner circle.

I used to sort of pretend to myself that friends weren’t that important, you need to lie to yourself when you’re depressed, and lonely, and low, and self isolated, but really they matter a lot.

I have had a small circle of very close friends fora while, they’re the kind of people you could probably tell anything, and that’s amazing, but I’ve known for a while that I needed to try to increase and diversify that circle.

I suppose I’m a bit of an introvert, probably more on the edge of it rather than right in there, I do like to talk to people, I don’t like being alone for too long and I occasionally have to cope with this when my husband is away for several weeks at a time. I’m well aware that proper friends make all the difference.

Since I first started going to leather socials I have tried hard to speak to people and everyone has been very nice, there’s now a few people I regularly speak to online, and a few that I’ve come to really appreciate because you know that they genuinely want to interact with you, and it’s something I’m really very happy about. We have some things in common and there comes a point when people become an important and cherished part of your life.

I read someone I know online saying that some leather events were hard because there was an inner circle (a crowd, in his words) and it felt cold if you were on the outside of that, and I can absolutely agree with that, but I need to keep trying because the friendships and experiences are so important to me. One of the reasons I started going to the leather socials was because I knew that if I turned up at the leather weekend without knowing anyone in advance that it would be far more difficult to navigate and enjoy, a sea of awkward small talk.

I won’t get too soppy, I do want to find people to play with too, and I think that’s the hardest part of the inner circle to access.


I’ve been doing my best to get out and about as much as I can, that’s 4 times I’ve been to the leather social in Manchester now, once with Sir, once with friends and twice on my own.

It’s been exciting and exhilarating, and sometimes exhausting too. Originally I had planned to go once before the leather weekend in October so that I knew some people beforehand, but I’ve enjoyed it very much and I definitely want to go whenever I can. I’m very much looking forward to the leather weekend as a good friend is going as is an online friend I have known for many years and will finally get to meet.

I’ve always enjoyed traveling, sometimes it could best be described as tedious though, overcrowded trains, cancellations, engineering works, noisy inconsiderate people. The flip side of course is that you sometimes meet nice people or do a good deed or hear something funny and it makes it all fun again.

I’ve just bought a leather jacket online and have been looking at tall boots again, my nemesis, I have a cupboard jam packed with boots, not like these though, it’s just looking at present though!