Shaky

It’s been a funny and varied time lately, I had a lovely holiday in Greece and then discovered that I had high blood sugar and subsequently that I am a diabetic. It was a shock, to an extent, I’ve been tired for a couple of months and I knew something was going on, but I will do what I can and I will survive. Hay fever is stalking me too, a familiar summer companion.

Last weekend I met the man who made me cry, it’s been six months, I still like him, a lot, I still fancy him, a lot. I was late, my train was cancelled, (and indeed my train home the following day was also cancelled), we went for food and then back to the hotel to get changed into leathers, I was collared, and then we went to a ‘leather’ bar. It was fun, we had fun afterwards, and in the morning. I like spending time with him, I’m aware that it’ll never be enough.

The tall boots I ordered finally arrived. I absolutely love them, although I did the thing I usually do, I didn’t open the box for an hour, head full of “what if”, then the moment came and they were out and on me and I’m delighted, they fit so well. The people who matter like them.

I’ve bought pride flags, I will be purely a spectator for the local pride parade, but I want to march with the leather men at Manchester Pride in late August, so I’ll need to break my new boots in properly.

People I like have been really hurting lately, depression is such a terrible terrible thing, I can still feel it in me, it’s there, watching, and I want them to know that I care and that whatever meagre support I can offer will always be available.

Twenty five

It doesn’t really feel like it, I can’t remember where most of the time has gone, but today it’s 25 years since I met my partner. We’ve been through good times and bad times, sickness and ill health, but things are good.

Just home from a week away in Greece, had a very nice time, but I’ve done a couple of tests and my blood sugar is high, I fairly sure that I’ve developed diabetes. Off to see the nurse tomorrow to give blood and to be shouted at etc.

Crossing lines

Tonight I have been pondering why the leather scene can be just so hard to get into, it can be incredibly inclusive and it can also feel incredibly lonely.

Tonight I’ve talked to an online acquaintance who currently wants to hang up his gear and move on, and this is one of the people I admire, one of the people I want to be like. I’ve tried to get him not to do anything hasty and to take some time out, but otherwise I don’t know what to say, because I sometimes feel exactly the same.

It is of course the crossing lines of fun, friendship and sex. We all gather at these events with a variety of interests and experiences, hopes and expectations, and these things don’t always mix.

Berlin

Sometimes I feel a bit aimless, but that’s now three visits to Berlin where I feel like I’ve had my mind totally blown.

On Friday night I met up with the Master I have met twice before and it was as great as ever, I thought at the time that that would be the highlight of my weekend, but although it was really special there was more to come.

I have been speaking with a Berlin Dom online for a while and we had arranged to meet up and have a drink, see what happens. I met him near to Nollendorfplatz at 11pm and from that moment the conversation just flowed very easily, he was in full leathers, so was I. We went to nearby Mutschmanns where we had a drink and then he showed me around. After talking some more we moved on to New Action where again we had a drink and he showed me around.

He got me to sit, then he sat up behind me with his legs wrapped tightly around me, leaned over and said, boy you are in one of the hardest clubs in Berlin in full leathers under a spotlight and everyone can see you. There was so much kissing, I took his breath and then beer and saliva from his mouth, he licked the sweat from my face.

He asked me to go and get us beers and when I returned he was talking to a man from the south of England who he knew, before long all three of us were kissing, two at a time, three at a time, there was also a bit of nipple licking, although he remained very much in charge.

After a while we were alone again and returned to talking, drinking, kissing, intense eye contact, by 3am I was overwhelmed, my cap dripping with his spit and then his cum, he got me to take off my jacket and tie to cool down and got me water. At 3.30am we were saying goodbye, with plans to meet again at Easter. He checked that I got back to the hotel safely and that everything was okay in the morning.

January

It’s very probably time to move on.

I’ve made an approach to Sir to formally draw things to a close, things have changed, too complex and private to really detail here. I could analyse it, but ultimately I’m very grateful for all the things he has shown me, things I quite simply couldn’t have imagined, and he’s influenced and helped to shape my views about so much. He has actually changed my life and I’ll never forget that.

2018 has been a bit varied so far, ups and downs, January is indeed the longest month.

I’ve had my nipples and septum pierced, nipples healing fine, septum will take a while yet. Not quite sure how to explain that on Mother’s Day.

Went to the inaugural night of Scotbound in Glasgow, I knew most people there and had a little fun, well what I actually had was bruises for a week, but no real complaints. I’d certainly go again, however the next events planned will clash with my already booked visits to Manchester.

I had planned to go to the leather social in Manchester on the 3rd February but had to cancel due to illness, I’ve been unwell off and on for three weeks, although I have recovered now.

Years

Here’s to a good 2018 for us all.

Christmas was good, ate too much, sleep pattern destroyed, as ever! I met a new friend for lunch, he’s nice, I like him, I hope we can spend some good times together in the future.

2017 is gone, it seemed like such a quick year but a lot has happened, some good, some bad. I made some really great friends, and that’s the big thing. Looking back, a lot has changed for the better. I’m a bit skint until January pay day, but I’ve mostly used it to plan ahead for some things I want to do this year, including a couple of leather events.

I’ve tried to keep my husband happy, it’s not always easy but things have been good, and stable. I’m pretty sure some things will test his resolve, not least when a new friend comes over to get changed for a bondage event in town in a couple of weeks. He’s a good friend, some of the lines might blur a little.

Kink-wise, things have been all over the place, the half way man is still around, sort of, it’s … very complicated, things have changed, he needs time to think, we all need time to think, sometimes we all think too much. I don’t know what’s going to happen, at all, I’ve already sort of mourned it, so right now I feel a bit like an observer. Often things aren’t what they seem, early on New Year’s Day I was put in a situation which triggered my fight/flight response, a combination of several things added together, I haven’t done that for quite a long time, but this time I knew exactly what I needed to do and I did it. It’s not all played out yet, this is the last interval. I’m still longing for him but I will do what I have to to protect myself, it might already be too far gone.

Back to work now after the holidays, this could be a trying year work-wise, but I think I’m just seeing it as a means to enjoy life outside of work a bit better.

As well as making friends face to face I’ve made a couple of online friends who have become really quite important, I hope that continues.

A bit of a mixed bag update, sorry (not sorry).

Hurt

Do you know how bad it is not being able to tell your husband why you’re hurting? Why there’s a lump in your throat and tears in your eyes?

When a Dom does something that breaks your trust and there’s no going back, when you feel abandoned and empty because you’ve never lost a Sir before.

He met me half way, and it was appreciated, but a bombshell has been dropped and it crosses lines which I do not want to cross, and he must know that, there’s no consent and no discussion. It should have been handled better. I still care for him.

I’ll be okay, soon.

Two years

It’s been two years, give or take, since I began to actually live again. I can’t put a time or date on it, it was subtle, gradual, but it was almost certainly around this time, two years ago, when I stopped coasting along and started to meaningfully look forward again.

I’ve made friends, I knew I needed them but didn’t know where to find them, of course some of them were there all along, but others are new and interesting, and they are there. Some of them are near and some of them are far away, but they are there.

I’ve changed things at home, I don’t think I’ve destroyed them, I think I’ve made them more honest. There are things that I need now, it’s no longer a wish or a want, that genie has been well and truly set free.

I wonder what the future will bring, I’m not young anymore, I have obligations and chains that tie me in place.

I still worry, I am by my very nature this way; two men in particular have shown remarkable patience and resilience in the face of my lack of patience and resilience, excitement and longing. I try to learn from it, I do try to learn from it.

I hope that I have found something fulfilling, something robust, something to surrender to, only time will tell.

Half way

I met a leatherman on Friday night, we each traveled for about two hours in order to meet roughly half way, we both made an effort, I think that was a good start.

I met Him at the Manchester Leather Weekend, well, I say met, I saw Him, I fancied Him, I didn’t go and talk to Him; but I did see Him on Instagram a few days later and I said what I should have in Manchester.

We had been talking online for a couple of weeks and so it was really easy to talk when we met, He took control easily, not that I objected, it was exactly what I wanted. He plugged me and put me in a chastity device, then we went out for food and a drinks.

He had told me that when I entered that room that I was His until he released me the following day.

When we got back to the hotel we both got changed into full leathers and then play began. He was strict but caring, He pushed me and encouraged me, carrot and stick, there was some pain, there was a great deal of pleasure. I had a minor issue which He handled very quickly. There was no script, it was very much an episode in getting comfortable with each other, it was a good start.

When play ended we talked for a couple of hours, then I was left plugged and in chastity for the night, I wondered how easily I would sleep but in fact I had no difficulty. In the morning after some more play He allowed me to cum, afterwards we showered and went out for breakfast.

I hope there can be more. I can’t absolutely explain what I mean, but I know that I want to be pushed further, I’m apprehensive, it’s the unknown, but I want to go further, to have barriers broken down, to have limits tested and pushed.

This feels like it was a good start.

David Stein 1948-2017

Very sorry to hear of the death of the author David Stein who coined the phrase “safe, sane and consensual” in 1983.

His books on M/s relationships are a wonderful read.

My Master has a signed copy of his book ‘Ask the man who owns him’ which was the first BDSM book I bought. A very supportive friend and Master in San Francisco knew him personally.

His fiction books are quite … exciting! Full of emotion.

I sent him an email last year to thank him for his wonderful writing, he replied to say that he was pleased to hear that I had enjoyed it. A good man taken too soon.