It’s been six months now, I have been out of the house/garden only a handful of times.

My partner is shielding and to protect him I must do so as well, I’m anxious about going out now and have had to make do as best I can, but I can see all of the signs of depression, even though I am on medication. There’s very little of interest in my life just now, and I’m sleeping too much. I did that for years, and then after I was put on medication I found myself unable to do so, I can only think that the medication is protecting me from worse, I know that it is still working. I am back to occasionally self medicating.

A few weeks ago I asked and was allowed to go to meet a playmate in Edinburgh for the night, because he had been shielding too, and quite frankly it was amazing. With both of our unique circumstances we may be able to meet again in November. I didn’t buy and read the book on how to be an ethical slut for this, can I have a refund?

After a fairly long wait for cardiac treatment, an appointment was arranged for my partner for late March, then Covid-19 stopped everything, understandably, and this week we learnt that the procedure will now take place on the 25th September. It’s a worry, there’s always a risk, and as it’s an exploratory procedure there are a number of things that could happen, and there will be necessary recovery time, but one way or another we will know more.

I miss everything, it’s like life has been paused, I had lots of fun things planned for this year, in fact I should be in Berlin right now, but I cannot do anything. I miss my trips to Manchester enormously. My mental health is is tatters. I know I’ve worried a couple of friends recently and I am very sincerely sorry for that, I am absolutely not going to do anything to physically harm myself. I have however done a very good job of retreating into my shell and pissing off some people that I am close to by just talking too much, and others have been left in glorious peace and are blissfully unaware.

I am lost and lonely, I know I have a home and a partner and family, but there are other needs which have been almost completely abandoned and I find myself analysing why I feel unwanted. I can put on a good show online for others, but I am a wreck.

I know I’m not alone, some people are carrying on with daily life with gay abandon, but I know that a great many of us are somewhere in between, in limbo. It’s all very well wanting things when you quite simply can’t have them.

Feel free to read this in a whining tone, or sing it along to a hearty sea shanty, I needed to get the words out of my head, there are even darker in my head, but these ones are what’s needed right now.

Don’t worry unnecessarily, but I think I need some assistance, socially? Sexually? I dunno what the question should be.

Moving on

More ups and downs than an amusement park.

Writing about feelings is not always a cry for help, sometimes it’s just to write it down and therefore sort of stop it going around and around in your own head. It often works, for me anyway.

Lockdown blues can be terribly hard, especially at weekends when days have no structure. I’m thankful to the people out there who have shown that they care x

I’ve a terribly dark sense of humour, sometimes people who don’t know me very well don’t understand that and recently someone massively overreacted about something perfectly incongruous. Maybe I need to tag things with a channel 4 style warning triangle.


I’m not coping with this, I know that shielding is necessary but it is gradually breaking me.

I’m sleeping way too much, more out of boredom and stress than actual need, and my sleep pattern is absolutely screwed, I could probably fix it, but I don’t want to.

It’s now only work and an online social thing each week that is getting me through this, otherwise I’ve a low attention span, I’m lethargic and apathetic. At least I’m not suicidal, I’m probably too lethargic.

I really really miss proper intimacy and that need to feel wanted is tearing a hole in me. It’s not even a need for sex anymore.

Friends say that they want you to talk to them, but that’s not always easy, I think I need to reach a really low point before I can ask for help, and if you do that too often it feels like you’re going to be seen as that freak who needs help too often, I’ve definitely learnt that that repels sexual partners.

Corona life

Not sure I’m really coping at all well with the lockdown, my husband and I have been living in each other’s pockets for months now as he has been unwell and always at home. There had been a bit of respite occasionally though, and I was still attending the leather social etc. in Manchester.

Now I’ve been at home for three weeks, there’s no privacy, only work is really giving me any structure, outside of work I’m 50:50 apathy:horny, and the ratio is definitely lurching towards apathy.

I know he’s bored too, I know I’m lucky that he’s keeping on top of things like grocery deliveries and that we both still have a wage coming in. I was really overdoing work for the first week, but I have reined that in, there’s no way I could continue.

Horny I’ll just need to learn to live with, we need to stay home as we are both at increased risk from the coronavirus, let alone passing it on to each other. Apathy is harder to deal with, I’ve very little get up and go right now, sleep often becoming preferable. The only times I have been outside is in the back garden when the cats are out.

I’ve managed to keep in contact with some friends and others have been in fairly regular contact with me. I know that many of us are suffering. Some dear friends have already gone through some terrible things and I’ve hidden how I’m dealing with everything.

I shall need to try to be robust.

Re-pride etc.

I know that I’ve not posted for a while, you think that not a lot has happened and then you look back and think oh, that’s right.

I grasped the nettle and with encouragement I started a local monthly leather social. I had no idea how it was going to go but it’s been much much better than I could have imagined, we even took part in the local pride march. My husband has been attending and has been very supportive, he’s also been hearing things which may lead to more open discussion, if he wants that. I’ve made some new friends and encouraged new guys onto the scene which is exactly what I wanted.

I’ve done a fair bit of experimentation, most of it really fairly mind blowing, I swear to god (other supreme beings may or may not be available) that I had an actual out of body experience. Some of the experiences have revolved entirely around fisting, but that’s not a casual thing. Still seeking regular play, but I know that I need a genuine connection for that. People come and go, but I cannot do all the running.

I’ve been in Manchester quite a lot lately, between the leather social and pride, where I took part in the pride march and went on a fairground ride in leather. It was slightly awkward this year, my husband was with me again, but this time my best friend wasn’t there to provide someone for him to lean on, so he was with me and my friends most of the time. It was good that he was able to meet more of my friends and to see where I hang out, but at the same time that’s my thing, my social circle. It was only a glimpse, I don’t really begrudge him that. There was some tension after I arrived back at our hotel really late on the first night, but I was as respectful and forceful when I needed to be, I hadn’t done anything wrong.

During Pride I met an absolutely stunning Dom and for the first time ever I actually spoke up and told him that I was very attracted to him and interested in finding out more, he told me the same, we had the opportunity to discuss quite a lot of things over the weekend, and I tried my best to make a good impression. I’ve been invited to meet up and play in the near future to see how we get on together, lots of possibilities, trying to stay normal and not wreck it.

I often do the sub thing of not valuing yourself as much as you should, I always described myself as introverted, but recent evidence definitely points to the contrary. People telling me that they enjoy my company means a great deal and I just might be liking myself more, apart from the fat arse.


It’s been quite a while since I’ve had feelings like this, but then it’s been quite a while since I’ve had such good Dom/sub play with someone I was so very keen to please; the kind of attraction and connection that makes you question some of your limits.

After such a high comes the low, the brain chemistry rebalancing, the lack of sleep catching up with you.

I used to suffer from sub drop regularly when I was often taking part in more intense play. I had thought that maybe my coping mechanisms had improved, or that maybe that phase had passed, but last night it came on as an intense few hours of magnified emotions and helplessness, sleep helped little, kind words helped more. My own thoughts turned on me, gnawing away at every good thing they could find.

Here I am, 24 hours later, it’s gone and things are definitely returning to normal, but I feel odd, calm again in a body still suffering from the affects of the stress, aches and pains, a slight headache, it should be better tomorrow.

Aftercare is so important, and in my own experience sub drop mostly comes on two to three days after play, and the simplest of techniques works on me, tell me that I’m valued, wanted, and a good boy.


I’m feeling an incredibly intense need to sit at a Dom’s boots, naked, collared, between his legs, his hands on me, close to him.

I haven’t done that in such a long time, it’s a completely emotional need, but then I’ve mostly been playing without a proper D/s element and I really want and miss that.

It’s great fun playing with people you enjoy playing with, but I’m a loyal and affectionate boy and the affection and encouragement is what brings out my need to please and the desire to experiment, with the right guy, some guys just don’t understand.


With a little healthy encouragement I started a leather social in my city, a monthly event, the first one just happened and I met new people and really enjoyed myself. It was relaxed and friendly, exactly what I hoped it would be, what was expected to be a couple of hours turned into five.

Two guys at the social who I had previously only known online told me a story of how I inspired them to go to a gay fundraiser in full rubber, after they had seen me there the previous year in full leather, I had no idea, they even showed me pictures! That night in leather was a real moment for me as I was the only person in leather at the event, and it was the first time some friends had seen me in leather. There’s now talk of going together to the next one!

I’ve had a great day, my husband came along to support me, he doesn’t entirely understand this side of me, but his support really helped a lot.

Thank you

I don’t always like myself very much, but a man I like and respect told me that I was “one of the kindest friendliest leathermen you will ever meet”, and then a couple of others agreed with him.

I think it’s hard to keep sight of the fact that we all have these feelings from time to time.

Thank you A, I appreciate Your kind words very much indeed x

Judging a book by its cover

Much as we like to think that we don’t do this I think we all do, the subconscious mind is always at work.

I had the pleasure of spending some real quality time with a guy that I had previously made assumptions about based almost entirely upon his demeanour and attire, ironic I know coming from a Leatherman. Turns out he is intelligent, absolutely fascinating to talk to and really pretty damn horny.

I have of course apologised. Hopefully there’s at least the beginnings of a friendship there.