It’s been six months now, I have been out of the house/garden only a handful of times.

My partner is shielding and to protect him I must do so as well, I’m anxious about going out now and have had to make do as best I can, but I can see all of the signs of depression, even though I am on medication. There’s very little of interest in my life just now, and I’m sleeping too much. I did that for years, and then after I was put on medication I found myself unable to do so, I can only think that the medication is protecting me from worse, I know that it is still working. I am back to occasionally self medicating.

A few weeks ago I asked and was allowed to go to meet a playmate in Edinburgh for the night, because he had been shielding too, and quite frankly it was amazing. With both of our unique circumstances we may be able to meet again in November. I didn’t buy and read the book on how to be an ethical slut for this, can I have a refund?

After a fairly long wait for cardiac treatment, an appointment was arranged for my partner for late March, then Covid-19 stopped everything, understandably, and this week we learnt that the procedure will now take place on the 25th September. It’s a worry, there’s always a risk, and as it’s an exploratory procedure there are a number of things that could happen, and there will be necessary recovery time, but one way or another we will know more.

I miss everything, it’s like life has been paused, I had lots of fun things planned for this year, in fact I should be in Berlin right now, but I cannot do anything. I miss my trips to Manchester enormously. My mental health is is tatters. I know I’ve worried a couple of friends recently and I am very sincerely sorry for that, I am absolutely not going to do anything to physically harm myself. I have however done a very good job of retreating into my shell and pissing off some people that I am close to by just talking too much, and others have been left in glorious peace and are blissfully unaware.

I am lost and lonely, I know I have a home and a partner and family, but there are other needs which have been almost completely abandoned and I find myself analysing why I feel unwanted. I can put on a good show online for others, but I am a wreck.

I know I’m not alone, some people are carrying on with daily life with gay abandon, but I know that a great many of us are somewhere in between, in limbo. It’s all very well wanting things when you quite simply can’t have them.

Feel free to read this in a whining tone, or sing it along to a hearty sea shanty, I needed to get the words out of my head, there are even darker in my head, but these ones are what’s needed right now.

Don’t worry unnecessarily, but I think I need some assistance, socially? Sexually? I dunno what the question should be.

More ups and downs than an amusement park.

Writing about feelings is not always a cry for help, sometimes it’s just to write it down and therefore sort of stop it going around and around in your own head. It often works, for me anyway.

Lockdown blues can be terribly hard, especially at weekends when days have no structure. I’m thankful to the people out there who have shown that they care x

I’ve a terribly dark sense of humour, sometimes people who don’t know me very well don’t understand that and recently someone massively overreacted about something perfectly incongruous. Maybe I need to tag things with a channel 4 style warning triangle.

I’m not coping with this, I know that shielding is necessary but it is gradually breaking me.

I’m sleeping way too much, more out of boredom and stress than actual need, and my sleep pattern is absolutely screwed, I could probably fix it, but I don’t want to.

It’s now only work and an online social thing each week that is getting me through this, otherwise I’ve a low attention span, I’m lethargic and apathetic. At least I’m not suicidal, I’m probably too lethargic.

I really really miss proper intimacy and that need to feel wanted is tearing a hole in me. It’s not even a need for sex anymore.

Friends say that they want you to talk to them, but that’s not always easy, I think I need to reach a really low point before I can ask for help, and if you do that too often it feels like you’re going to be seen as that freak who needs help too often, I’ve definitely learnt that that repels sexual partners.

Not sure I’m really coping at all well with the lockdown, my husband and I have been living in each other’s pockets for months now as he has been unwell and always at home. There had been a bit of respite occasionally though, and I was still attending the leather social etc. in Manchester.

Now I’ve been at home for three weeks, there’s no privacy, only work is really giving me any structure, outside of work I’m 50:50 apathy:horny, and the ratio is definitely lurching towards apathy.

I know he’s bored too, I know I’m lucky that he’s keeping on top of things like grocery deliveries and that we both still have a wage coming in. I was really overdoing work for the first week, but I have reined that in, there’s no way I could continue.

Horny I’ll just need to learn to live with, we need to stay home as we are both at increased risk from the coronavirus, let alone passing it on to each other. Apathy is harder to deal with, I’ve very little get up and go right now, sleep often becoming preferable. The only times I have been outside is in the back garden when the cats are out.

I’ve managed to keep in contact with some friends and others have been in fairly regular contact with me. I know that many of us are suffering. Some dear friends have already gone through some terrible things and I’ve hidden how I’m dealing with everything.

I shall need to try to be robust.