Pride

Today was pride in Glasgow, and I’ve had such a great day, home now and happy.

Left home in leathers and boots this morning, with my husband to meet my best friend in the City Centre for coffee, another good friend had decided to come north in leathers for the day, much appreciated company.

We all arrived at the same time and had coffee, then we went to stand at the Gallery of Modern Art to watch the pride march itself. The march was huge, it took over an hour to pass by, and the atmosphere was really great. Met a few friends who were taking part in the march itself, and for the first time there were a couple of leathermen in the march itself, rather than on the sidelines.

We went for lunch in my favourite Italian restaurant, with our favourite waiters, and then afterwards went for drinks around the gay bars, ending the day at an outside table in perfect weather.

In the evening I had a really nice talk with a Dom who is important to me, which I enjoyed very much.

Just ending the day with tea, toast and Family Guy. Need to do all this again.

Boys

The mind is a funny thing, some things are out of our control, some things that we think are within our control are initiated in the brain before conscious decisions have actually been made.

I sometimes wonder why some things are the way they are, why I like something, but of course it’s just impossible to know, might as well wonder why I don’t like curry, or Lily Allen.

I was far more versatile in the past, I’ve certainly had my dominant moments, I’m perfectly aware that I could be quite sadistic and I’m not sure that I like that. I don’t believe in horoscopes, even if I’m something of a typical scorpio. I think I probably associate the sadistic side of me with the anger, unhappiness and emptiness of depression, something that needs to be contained lest it damage me and those I care about. Would letting that out be a very bad idea.

Several times over the last couple of months there have been suggestions that I’d make a good Dom, that I should try to see how I felt. Fairly recently I was offered the chance to be coached in how to fist, and I considered the offer very carefully and agreed, but the man concerned messed me around and I cancelled. Now I have been asked if I would consider topping along with another top, the question coming from the other top himself and given that I have generally been sub to that top I am quite excited by the idea, with some reservations. I know that it’s highly likely that I will follow his lead and do it, a little concerned about seeing someone else subbing to him when I want to do that too. I have been open and honest about that.

My desires and needs have primarily become to be a sub, and ever since meeting with a Master in Berlin in early 2016 that feeling has only grown stronger, although of course I need an appropriate Dom to exercise that with, someone who I feel is worth it, someone who knows how to tap into my submission. Right inside my head I enjoy them taking control, I like it a lot, it’s a completely emotional need. My deepest and darkest fantasies all lie here.

Most recently I have been seeking out Doms to try arse play, with a view to trying FF, but I know it’s also about seeking out those men. I did a very low level of chems with one man, it’s something I’m aware that I cannot talk about with most people, and it’s something I will not make a habit of, literally. There’s also no point in disapproving, because it’s done.

The Doms I have met and connect well with have different likes themselves, of course. One wants to put me in chastity, and we have played a few times like that, but without some level of ongoing commitment I’m not going to do that, I’m not giving that up, I’m not going to restrict my ability to play with other men.

Another man I have met a few times does not want to put limits on me, mainly as the distance means that I can only see him a few times a year, but he does want to lead me, and to get me to live in the moment, which is exciting, we have some things in common, but not others. The experimentation is a lot of fun, I know there is more to come.

Another man I have seen in person but have not actually met, yet, although that will change very soon. We have a lot in common and there is definitely an attraction. The distance makes things difficult, but I really want to see how we get on and what happens. I’m looking forward to this, a lot. There is already a friendship there, which I enjoy and need.

Que sera, sera etc.

Depth

Today was one of those day with a totally unexpected outcome, it’s too hot, work has been busy, but today I’ve had two conversations which felt particularly enlightening.

Two men who I am undoubtedly attracted to, and I’m aware that it goes further than that, have had conversations with me which are leading me down a path I long to see, and it’s by opening up to each other and showing who we are that this is coming about. I won’t see either of them for a few weeks yet, but the sense of anticipation is palpable.

My entire weekend has been frankly incredible, full of fun and of real outgoing confidence. A man asked to have his photograph taken with me, other men told me that I looked incredible, this is not normal. I am actively trying to pay this back to others.

Shaky

It’s been a funny and varied time lately, I had a lovely holiday in Greece and then discovered that I had high blood sugar and subsequently that I am a diabetic. It was a shock, to an extent, I’ve been tired for a couple of months and I knew something was going on, but I will do what I can and I will survive. Hay fever is stalking me too, a familiar summer companion.

Last weekend I met the man who made me cry, it’s been six months, I still like him, a lot, I still fancy him, a lot. I was late, my train was cancelled, (and indeed my train home the following day was also cancelled), we went for food and then back to the hotel to get changed into leathers, I was collared, and then we went to a ‘leather’ bar. It was fun, we had fun afterwards, and in the morning. I like spending time with him, I’m aware that it’ll never be enough.

The tall boots I ordered finally arrived. I absolutely love them, although I did the thing I usually do, I didn’t open the box for an hour, head full of “what if”, then the moment came and they were out and on me and I’m delighted, they fit so well. The people who matter like them.

I’ve bought pride flags, I will be purely a spectator for the local pride parade, but I want to march with the leather men at Manchester Pride in late August, so I’ll need to break my new boots in properly.

People I like have been really hurting lately, depression is such a terrible terrible thing, I can still feel it in me, it’s there, watching, and I want them to know that I care and that whatever meagre support I can offer will always be available. I’m rarely actually depressed these days, still on medication and it works for me, I know that others are not so lucky.

Twenty five

It doesn’t really feel like it, I can’t remember where most of the time has gone, but today it’s 25 years since I met my partner. We’ve been through good times and bad times, sickness and ill health, but things are good.

Just home from a week away in Greece, had a very nice time, but I’ve done a couple of tests and my blood sugar is high, I fairly sure that I’ve developed diabetes. Off to see the nurse tomorrow to give blood and to be shouted at etc.

Crossing lines

Tonight I have been pondering why the leather scene can be just so hard to get into, it can be incredibly inclusive and it can also feel incredibly lonely.

Tonight I’ve talked to an online acquaintance who currently wants to hang up his gear and move on, and this is one of the people I admire, one of the people I want to be like. I’ve tried to get him not to do anything hasty and to take some time out, but otherwise I don’t know what to say, because I sometimes feel exactly the same.

It is of course the crossing lines of fun, friendship and sex. We all gather at these events with a variety of interests and experiences, hopes and expectations, and these things don’t always mix.

Berlin

Sometimes I feel a bit aimless, but that’s now three visits to Berlin where I feel like I’ve had my mind totally blown.

On Friday night I met up with the Master I have met twice before and it was as great as ever, I thought at the time that that would be the highlight of my weekend, but although it was really special there was more to come.

I have been speaking with a Berlin Dom online for a while and we had arranged to meet up and have a drink, see what happens. I met him near to Nollendorfplatz at 11pm and from that moment the conversation just flowed very easily, he was in full leathers, so was I. We went to nearby Mutschmanns where we had a drink and then he showed me around. After talking some more we moved on to New Action where again we had a drink and he showed me around.

He got me to sit, then he sat up behind me with his legs wrapped tightly around me, leaned over and said, boy you are in one of the hardest clubs in Berlin in full leathers under a spotlight and everyone can see you. There was so much kissing, I took his breath and then beer and saliva from his mouth, he licked the sweat from my face.

He asked me to go and get us beers and when I returned he was talking to a man from the south of England who he knew, before long all three of us were kissing, two at a time, three at a time, there was also a bit of nipple licking, although he remained very much in charge.

After a while we were alone again and returned to talking, drinking, kissing, intense eye contact, by 3am I was overwhelmed, my cap dripping with his spit and then his cum, he got me to take off my jacket and tie to cool down and got me water. At 3.30am we were saying goodbye, with plans to meet again at Easter. He checked that I got back to the hotel safely and that everything was okay in the morning.