Thank you

I don’t always like myself very much, but a man I like and respect told me that I was “one of the kindest friendliest leathermen you will ever meet”, and then a couple of others agreed with him.

I think it’s hard to keep sight of the fact that we all have these feelings from time to time.

Thank you A, I appreciate Your kind words very much indeed x

Judging a book by its cover

Much as we like to think that we don’t do this I think we all do, the subconscious mind is always at work.

I had the pleasure of spending some real quality time with a guy that I had previously made assumptions about based almost entirely upon his demeanour and attire, ironic I know coming from a Leatherman. Turns out he is intelligent, absolutely fascinating to talk to and really pretty damn horny.

I have of course apologised. Hopefully there’s at least the beginnings of a friendship there.

Fists of fury

I’d been trying for quite a long time, and it’s not exactly a thing I feel that I can talk particularly openly about, with a few exceptions, but towards to the end of last year I got fisted.

It wasn’t Santa Claus, I just thought the accompanying picture was vaguely amusing.

I had read a great deal and talked to other people who had done it and as they said, most of what was stopping me was entirely in my own head, although a good teacher is a wonderful thing.

I was supposed to be away for the weekend with another man and had been let down at the last minute, another unexpected opportunity came along and I grasped it. I didn’t know it was going to happen, I just went with the flow and followed his advice and it just happened. I suppose I was waiting for another guy to do it with me, but it’s just proving to be too complicated and I can’t keep waiting.

I’ve done it a few times now and have been pushing my limits a little each time. One guy I enjoy playing with has fairly huge hands and that’s the next challenge, although I still need to learn to control my breathing a bit more.

It’s a fairly extreme act, to most people, but it’s not painful and the intense connection it brings is absolutely incredible.

Twatpuffin

I couldn’t think of another title and so the ridiculous seemed quite apt.

I’m not actually feeling sorry for myself, god knows it’s incredibly unattractive. The last few weeks I’ve been heavily loaded with work and my mood has been up and down and all over the place! I’ve seen and hopefully helped a couple of friends who have been in fairly terrible mental situations over Christmas, and my own Christmas and New Year were perfectly good, even if one family member in particular would drive you to strong drink.

January began with a bang and time with a guy I enjoy playing with, but there’s not much else on the horizon just now, and that strong emotional connection is elusive.

Can I please sit at a Dom’s boots? Okay, I know it’s a lot to ask. So much potential and January is a long month.

Festiveness

We’re back here, again! Time flies etc, but this last year really feels like it sped away, I can’t even see it in the rear view mirror.

I haven’t really enjoyed Christmas for a long time, it’s often been surrounded by unhappiness and occasionally conflict, it’s not as much fun when you’re not 8 years old.

The last couple of months have been a mixed bag, swinging from new experiences and fun to just nothing at all. I’m not really depressed any more, I mostly feel normal (heh), but I’ve certainly been up and down a lot these last few days in particular. I’m aware that my sleep habits are not ideal and that going from too much to too little sleep is … unhelpful. I haven’t self medicated for a couple of years.

I rather nonsensically tested my blood sugar today in case it was too low and affecting my mood, but of course it was absolutely fine, it’s under control, it’s just me.

I naturally feel more comfortable with some people and it pains me that they’re not nearby when I want to just hang out or to have their boots on me or fist in me. This is not a small city, and yet sometimes it can feel it, although it’s also familiar.

Christmas Day and then Boxing Day are all about family and friends this year, I await with … interest.

Emotional

I’ve felt pretty good, on the whole, for about 6-9 months, things have been largely stable, a few ups and downs but mostly manageable, happy about some things and sad about others, but not terribly sad for long. Still taking Prozac and it seems to be working perfectly with no noticeable side effects.

This weekend is the first time in a while where I’ve felt an actual palpable emotional need that feels like it’s a hole in me, I don’t understand why it’s coming up now or how to resolve it. I’m not unhappy, I’m hardly unfulfilled. I’ve had several experiences recently which have been really very fulfilling and I’m enjoying the feelings from having met someone new, as well as the feelings from having someone I care about reveal more of a connection with me than I had previously realised.

I think that what I’m really craving is a direct and strong emotional hit from a caring Dom, even the simple act of direct skin to skin contact and feeling wanted. Sitting at his boots, with his hand on me, completely non sexual, but still extremely fulfilling. I’ve tried reaching out a bit, but I’m conscious that being needy isn’t attractive or desirable.

In a sexual context these emotions are complex, it’s been suggested a few times that I should try being Dom, even just to try, and I’ve considered it a few times, I just haven’t acted on it. Maybe someday the right situation will arise. I’m acutely aware that I get off on the appreciation of a Dominant man, bit of a euphemism there.

I’ve some pre-planned fun things on the horizon, probably need to try to shift focus to those.

MLW18

Manchester Leather Weekend rolled around again, it was my first big event last year and this year certainly did not disappoint.

It was another great weekend for meeting up with friends and just having fun together, and I’m very glad I went along again.

I met a couple of guys who I met last year and they said that I had made an impact on them, I did ask if I had set off their airbags, but apparently they were being serious.

I got the opportunity to play on both the Saturday and Sunday nights, which I enjoyed. A Dom I like very much (and who I met after the leather weekend last year) had asked to stay over on the Sunday night and we played at night and in the morning too, different, more intense, rougher, but I enjoyed it and him a great deal.