I’ve felt pretty good, on the whole, for about 6-9 months, things have been largely stable, a few ups and downs but mostly manageable, happy about some things and sad about others, but not terribly sad for long. Still taking Prozac and it seems to be working perfectly with no noticeable side effects.
This weekend is the first time in a while where I’ve felt an actual palpable emotional need that feels like it’s a hole in me, I don’t understand why it’s coming up now or how to resolve it. I’m not unhappy, I’m hardly unfulfilled. I’ve had several experiences recently which have been really very fulfilling and I’m enjoying the feelings from having met someone new, as well as the feelings from having someone I care about reveal more of a connection with me than I had previously realised.
I think that what I’m really craving is a direct and strong emotional hit from a caring Dom, even the simple act of direct skin to skin contact and feeling wanted. Sitting at his boots, with his hand on me, completely non sexual, but still extremely fulfilling. I’ve tried reaching out a bit, but I’m conscious that being needy isn’t attractive or desirable.
In a sexual context these emotions are complex, it’s been suggested a few times that I should try being Dom, even just to try, and I’ve considered it a few times, I just haven’t acted on it. Maybe someday the right situation will arise. I’m acutely aware that I get off on the appreciation of a Dominant man, bit of a euphemism there.
I’ve some pre-planned fun things on the horizon, probably need to try to shift focus to those.
Manchester Leather Weekend rolled around again, it was my first big event last year and this year certainly did not disappoint.
It was another great weekend for meeting up with friends and just having fun together, and I’m very glad I went along again.
I met a couple of guys who I met last year and they said that I had made an impact on them, I did ask if I had set off their airbags, but apparently they were being serious.
I got the opportunity to play on both the Saturday and Sunday nights, which I enjoyed. A Dom I like very much (and who I met after the leather weekend last year) had asked to stay over on the Sunday night and we played at night and in the morning too, different, more intense, rougher, but I enjoyed it and him a great deal.
I know that we all lie all the time, it’s a valuable part of human nature and we do it for all sorts of reasons, some good and some bad; but sometimes it just really sticks in the craw.
There seems to be a lot of it around just now; I’ve witnessed some and have seen other people discussing others, from cat fishing to stealing pictures to trying to gain friendship in order to get access to other people, down to the plain nasty and the please shag me / give me money. The very latest I think was “I’ve always fancied you” which was unusual as I hadn’t seen him online until a couple of weeks ago, but sure, you go ahead and do what you need to do to be an online star.
Blah blah blah, I’m not sure why we bother sometimes, is this post a lie? Am I cat fishing you now? Please shag me etc.
This weekend was my first ever Manchester pride and I don’t think it will be the last, it was just so great.
I ate out with friends, I marched with friends, I drank with friends, I hugged and kissed friends, and all of the time I was head to toe in leather, and with the padlock from my old collar on my waistband.
I think I might be all walked out right now, but it was worth it.
In the past week two men I like and who’s company I enjoy very much have withdrawn entirely from social media, both essentially citing what I think amount to the same reasons, and I’m fairly sure we could all list them.
Negativity, rejection, egos, darkness, and comparing ourselves to ideals which may not even exist is real life.
I’m a little sore inside right now, it is they and people like them who are real shining lights for me, good values and actual friendship.
The thing is I can relate completely, I’ve done this myself, I’ve withdrawn completely, I’ve retreated into myself and if anything it fuelled the darkness even more, albeit without actually breaking yet more friendships. All I can do is tell them and give them time.